To the Young Pastor's Wife...

I've been just like you for a decade.  My husband and I had been married for five years when the church started in our living room.  Two-thirds of our marriage has been ministry.  I feel inadequate in many ways to speak about the life of a pastors wife since I'm relatively young both in life and ministry, but Jesus has taught me some things about the church, his people and myself over the years. So at the very least, I can share my heart with you.

So here are six things that may help you...

1.  Your own brokenness will minister to more women than the yoke of perceived perfection.   

We are much more effective to the women around us when we see value in authenticity.  The idea that we {or any other Christian woman} needs to be or appear perfect is a virus that plagues the church. Be real.  We need women to rip off the masks of perceived perfection and point us to Jesus.  A "perfect" woman cannot do this--but a woman that is Jesus focused in the midst of their own brokenness? Unstoppable.   

2.  Hand over to God any pre-conceived notions you have about ministry.  

As much as I'd like to tell you that ministry is amazing 100% of the time, I can't.  Ministry is all about relationships...and relationships get messy.  It will serve you well to understand that we are all broken and in desperate need of Jesus.  Expect messiness. Expect brokenness.  But also expect to see people {including yourself} radically changed by the grace and love of Jesus. Take time to frequently thank God for all of the good things He's doing in your church.  This will help guard your heart and mind from feeling discouraged.  The church you are serving does not belong to you and your husband, it belongs to Jesus.  Place it in His hands. 

3.  You get lonely.

This is something that most people find hard to believe about the pastors wife.  Many think we're always connected and have lots of friends within the church and never get hurt.  I've talked to pastors wives in churches with fifteen people and 5,000 people and every single one says the same thing--the loneliness is real. Why?  Well, let me share a few reasons with you that I recently read on a ministry blog:

- Broken confidences

- Critical church members

- Complaints about your children
- Superficial friendships
- A conduit for complaints about your husband

This small list is not exhaustive, but these are typically the things that contribute most to the loneliness.

It can be hard to trust others.  We know that we can't trust everyone with the deepest places of our hearts--not everyone can handle what's in there with grace and maturity.  But that doesn't mean you have to say goodbye to close friendships in the church. Should we exercise wisdom in choosing those close friends?  Absolutely.  But don't isolate yourself.  God will send you the friends your heart desires.  Be open to who He sends. 

4.  Guard the hearts of your children.  

This is one of the most sensitive areas of ministry for me.  My prayer for our boys has always been that they will see the joy in serving the church and have a deep love for God and His people. You never want them to buy into the lie that being in ministry is a curse. Our children did not ask to be in ministry--they are thrust into it and it comes with certain challenges. There will be both adults and other kids that will not like them simply because they are the pastors kid.  You will overhear other kids tell them that they don't care who their dad is and it doesn't make them special and you'll also hear remarks from adults that leave you absolutely heartbroken for your child.  Let me save you years of hurt and pain. Give. This. To. Jesus. Pray for the church with your children.  Never paint ministry as perfect, but let the gospel shape your prayers and discussions with them about the church.  Assure them that there is no expectation on them.  Talk to them about pressures they might feel--even if you think they don't feel any.  I was shocked when our oldest son brought me a book I'd been reading and pointed to a paragraph about the pressures pastors kids can experience and said, "This is how I feel, Momma."  I had no idea. Ask them questions, pray with them and encourage open dialogue with them about the church.    

5.  Your husband needs you.

There are some nights that you will sit on the couch with your husband and not a single encouraging thing will be said.  It will be all about the failures of the week and what's going wrong and what God seemingly isn't doing.  Those raw and authentic moments are needed and necessary.  But never stay there.  When it's all said and done, encourage him.  Pray for him. Speak life to him. You are the only one that sees his stress, anxiety, prayers and tears for the church most of the time.  Does a sermon speak to you?  Tell him.  Did a friend mention how much his sermon ministered to them?  Tell him. He's a shepherd, so the biggest encouragements to him are hearing how Jesus is working and moving in the lives of his sheep.  Sometimes it's simply telling him that he's more than capable to fulfill his calling in the hands of a gracious and powerful God. Pray for him to be the leader God has called him to be.  

6.  Find someone to disciple you.

This is a big one.  I did not have a mentor until we were seven years into ministry.  It's not that I didn't want a mentor, I did, my heart longed for that type of relationship with an older and wiser woman of God.  I guess I thought it would just be placed in my lap--and sometimes that's how it works, but not for me.  I had been praying about being discipled and I ended up e-mailing a woman I knew was discipling another pastors wife and asked her to disciple me.  She said yes and here we are over three years later.  This is important because we are constantly pouring ourselves into other people but rarely receive any replenishment.  It is difficult to serve others out of an empty cup.  Let someone pour into you.  Seek out a Titus 2 woman and place yourself under her wisdom and care. Let her pray with you and for you.  Bare your soul to her as she loves you and guides you in your walk with Jesus.  Don't feel awkward about asking someone to mentor you.  I promise you there are Godly women out there praying for a young woman to pour into.  If you have someone in mind right now, reach out to them today.

You are not alone my sweet soul.  We are a kindred bunch deeply connected to the church and all of it's quirks. We are in this together.  Me, you and Jesus.

Your Fellow PW,

Becca