But Lord, How Can I Do This?

It was the summer of 2011 and our oldest son, Isaiah, was approaching kindergarten. As Guy and I were praying about what we wanted to do, God placed the desire in my heart to homeschool. But I quickly dismissed it. After two weeks in public school we decided that it wasn't for our family and we made the decision to send him to a Christian school in our neighborhood. It wouldn't be until 2013 and halfway through the boys' pre-k and first grade school year {Elijah was now attending the school too} that we finally made the decision to take the plunge and homeschool.

The next six months would be a roller coaster of emotions for me. Can I even do this? Will the boys even learn anything? My days were lumped into two major categories. Really good and really bad.  It was either a faith-filled, I-can-do-this, fist pump kind of day or a weep fest full of self-doubt and a lack-of-confidence-in-myself kind of day.  It was pretty pitiful. I'll admit that the first day I was supposed attend the Texas Homeschool Convention I was in my bed with the blanket pulled up to my neck crying to my husband that I just couldn't do it--that I just wasn't capable. Self reliance and fear had emerged after weeks of slowly dripping into my heart and mind like a leaky faucet. Suddenly everything I knew to be true about what God placed in my heart was tossed to the side.

I've read this verse a hundred times.  I've heard it preached two hundred. I've spoken it into the lives of others.  But reality is that I had never experienced the words of this verse for myself until I was in a position of feeling completely inadequate.

God gets the glory when He does something magnificent in our lives through our weaknesses.  When we place our fears to the side and look to Him to do something great in us, we experience His power and presence.  That's his desire for us--to fully depend on Him.  But not in something we're great at, usually it's something we're not so great at.  It's easy to brag on ourselves when something comes easy to us and when what He's calling us to do something doesn't involve fear, dependency on Him and weakness.  He chooses to show Himself and His power in the weakest parts of His people because this brings Him glory.  He does extraordinary things in ordinary people.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses..." {2 Corinthians 12: 9-10}

God placed a desire in my heart that was entirely outside of my cozy little box.  He took my hand, and with encouragement that only a loving father can provide, pushed me to the edge of the box and told me to fly.

So, as I made my final plea and asked, "But Lord, how can I do this?"  He replied to me through His Word and said:

What has Christ placed in your heart that you don't have the confidence in yourself to do?   I have good news, friend.  You don't have to have confidence in yourself, just confidence in the One that placed the desire there.  He can be trusted and will see to completion the work He's begun in you {Philippians 1:6.}

The picture below is me pulling into the THSC Convention!  This was the day after the meltdown. I had an AMAZING time and was blessed beyond measure by the speakers and fellow homeschool moms I had the pleasure of meeting.  Can't wait for next years conference :)